Ah yes, the bikini body, otherwise known as “summer-body”, which one can only attain by eating nothing but chia seeds and drinking flat tummy tea & its likes and going to something called the gym 24/7 or a “bikini boot camp”, a term I can never read without visualising a bunch of women in bikinis camping out together and toasting marshmallows around a campfire. (Guys my age group would like this in-fact all men living and breathing lol).
I appreciate that it is not the bikini’s fault that its name has been thus abused, but it is yet another reason for my scepticism of bikinis: they are used as yet another stick with which to beat women about the state of their bodies. “Is your body as taut as a Barbie doll’s, as burnished as a penny loafer and as perfectly proportioned as a comic book heroine’s? No? Then you, missy, do not deserve to wear a bikini! Be off with you and try not to traumatise any small children on the beach with your Jabba the Hut-like figure. Statements and thoughts like the above make me very upset by the way, as I am one to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and not an advocate of body shamers.
But I am a fashion columnist and it is spring and, as such, it is my legal and God-given duty to instruct you how to get a bikini body:
1. Take one body, probably yours.
2. Take one bikini, probably yours.
3. Put Bikini on body.
4. Go to the pool, beach or other bikini-meriting place.
5. The winner of my closet raid giveaway is @Isholakeni
6. Enjoy your day regardless of what any body shammer has to say.